How Evangelicalism Breeds Co-Dependency

Part 1 of 3

In the book, Liberated Love, the authors define Codedency like this.

“Codependency is defined as a relationship pattern where individuals seek safety and validation from outside themselves, sacrificing their own identity and well-being in the process.”

Evangelicalism wins the award for the best at teaching us to find all things necessary for love and safety “outside of ourselves.” Evangelicalism has made codependency a relational doctrine. Using purity culture as the motivating framework for young people to “save sex for marriage, evangelicals have taught that waiting for “God’s best” means waiting for a Christian husband/wife as some magical arrival point, the missing piece to our life puzzle, and the solution to all of our problems.

I was raised in this kind of culture. As a young, blonde Christian woman growing up in the Bible belt in the 90s, I “learned” that my life’s mission was to get married. No one ever said this aloud to me, exactly. I “learned” this by all the things they said and all the things they didn’t say. For example, when I was growing up, no significant adult ever asked me, “What do you want out of your life?” I was never counseled to choose a career where I could support myself. No one guided me to think about my 5-year, 10-year, or 15-year vocational goals and to build my education around those goals. Do you know what I was asked ad nauseam from the time I hit puberty until the time I walked down the aisle? “Who are you dating these days?” When I did have a boyfriend, which was most all of my life, the question was, “Are y’all getting serious yet? Have you talked about the future?” If I was counseled about my vocational plans, it was always with a nod to the assumption that I would be a mom and a wife. No one ever asked me if I wanted to get married; it was assumed that I would get married, build my life around my husband, and earn my spot on the Evangelical Varsity Team, Married.

This kind of culture indoctrinates codependency in young people. The message is that you are incomplete until you are married. You are unable to control your sexual urges, so marry someone. You are not enough, so marry someone. With a Jerry Maguire mythology, evangelical purity culture teaches that we must find someone to complete us.

This is how the story goes: this missing piece will be the one to finally give us love, safety, and value. The one outside of ourselves is the one we learn to depend on. This is a breeding ground for codependency. Codependency does not lead to flourishing marriages; it leads to marriages that break down. Trust me, I have been a pastor in family ministry, and now a Lead Pastor, for 20 more than 20 years. People find out 5 years in, 10 years in, 15 years in, 40 years in, that this person who was supposed to “complete” them doesn’t. He/she annoys you. He/She doesn’t meet your needs perfectly. He/she doesn’t take care of you. He/she can’t read your mind. He/she doesn’t desire you the way he/ she used to. As a pastor, I have seen this happen too many times to count.

In addition to the havoc this wreaks on a relationship in general, the negative impact of codependency is also felt in the bedroom. This usually impacts women the most. I spoke to a woman recently after my vibrator article came out. She told me about her sexual dissatisfaction. She said she talked to her partner about it. They both agreed that they needed to get some help. She proposed introducing a sex toy or vibrator into the bedroom, and she shared with me that her partner was very resistant to the idea. She said, “Kelly, I just can’t see him ever being happy with anything that pleases me other than him alone.” This is codependency. To oversimplify it, she is looking to him alone for her pleasure. He is looking to her alone for an ego stroke. The marriage bed is where these patterns play out. But if we were to look closely, we would see these patterns playing out in other big and small ways throughout the marriage.

When the “missing piece” theology deconstructs due to sexual dissatisfaction or something else, people do one of two things.

1. They look for a new piece. Maybe this piece that is this different shape and size will fit the hole inside of me, they secretly wonder. Then you hear about the affair. Because they wrongly believe that a different person will fix the problem. Or you hear about the addiction. Because they believe the substance will fix the problem. Or the whatever. Pick your poison.

2. They discover that they never had a missing piece. They address the myth of the missing piece theology and begin to search for what they need within themselves instead of outside of themselves. They unlearn codependent patterns of behavior.

Option 2 is a lot more work. Sometimes, it involves unlearning an entire belief system or even walking away from a church or Christian culture that reinforces this. This can feel like a death. To stop looking outside of ourselves for what we need is to choose to look within ourselves. I have seen many people convince themselves that it is too hard to look within, which is sad because within is where God dwells. To look within for what we need is to affirm what was spoken over humans at creation. “Good. Good. You are Good.” To look within for what we need is to reckon with the reality that I am an image bearer of God, and you are an image bearer of God, and we were created complete in Divine Love. As Christians, we are invited into the Divine Love of God, the perfect dance of the Trinity.

What would change in your marriage if you believed that you are complete and enough and that your partner was complete and enough? How would it free you?