Reflections on Turning 40

On My Body, Pace, and Parenting

I turn 40 today. It seems surreal that half of my life is over. In some ways, possible, and in other ways, impossible. As I write this, I sit in my home office looking at my bookshelves. They represent the books I have skimmed over the last three years as I have completed my Doctorate of Ministry degree. I graduate in May. It’s strange and glorious to see three years of life defined by bookshelves holding books. I walked with these books from age 37-40. I always dreamed of getting a “terminal” degree, being an expert in something, and writing a book. These are things I will do this year.

Everything I have set out to “accomplish” on my “before I turn 40” list is done (hello, Enneagram 3 here!) Well, except for those last 7 lbs staying off, but even that is just effort and a little more time. In my 30s, my relationship with my body changed. Throughout my adolescent years, I always wanted to be smaller, thinner, and not so curvy. As an athlete, I always wanted to be taller. As a mom having babies, I fixated on meeting my weight goals on the scale. Now, as a 40-year-old, I am simultaneously in love with my body, proud of her strength, and yet continually unsatisfied with her. I love where she is and I am also always wanting, and striving for her to be better, stronger, and leaner. I am still sifting through how much of this desire is conditioned in me through the “liturgies” of a secular world insistent on defining “good” when it comes to female bodies and how much of this desire is of my essence and something I will always chase. Perhaps on my 50th birthday, my 60th birthday, or my 70th birthday, I will say to my body, “I simply love you. Just as you are. Strive no more.”

I was getting a massage recently (insert eye-roll at that privileged statement;), and as I was listening to my body respond to being kneaded, rolled, and cared deeply for, I had, what felt like at the time, this intrusive thought: “One day not long from now, this body will be in the ground.” You have heard the stats, 10 out of 10 people die. Aging is a gift that not everyone gets. And I know this truth in my very bones. I hope I get another 40 years or 50 years. But, on my 40th birthday today, I do not assume that I will.

Vocationally, I have “achieved” more than I set out to. Not because I am a great Lead Pastor, but because being a Lead Pastor was never part of my plan. Not because our church is so amazing or so massive, (it is amazing and it’s a perfect size at around 300 families) but because I love my job. Every single day when I leave my office, there is this whisper that rises in me, “Thank you, God, that I get to do this.” And it’s not just “this” as in pastoring. And it’s not just “this” as in preaching. It’s not the leading or casting vision, or the counseling. I love all of this. But the “this” is leading this church with these people. Thank you, God, that I get to do this.

As I look to the next 40 years, I want many things. I want a slower life. I want to move slower. I want to savor more. I want to be silent more. I want to lay in the sun more. I want to read more. Not just skim. Not read and write and publish. Just read for the sake of knowing. I have learned to be with my kids, each of them in a different way- to see them, to know them, to meet them where they are and I want more of that. Presence. I want more time in friendship with my husband and my sisters and my mom and my momo. This is what I want.

Happy Birthday to me ;)