Marriage Covenants

On Making Amendments

(My Momo and Ganga at my wedding in 2009. They were married nearly 60 years when he passed.)

Last week, my husband and I sat in an attorney’s office, in front of two witnesses, and signed our will. We each have a will. Our will gives details to our executor about what happens to all of our stuff when we die. If we die soon, our will outlines who gets what from our assets. The 20-page document says (in legal jargon that no one can understand) who our kids will live with, how much money they will each get, and what happens to our house, bank accounts, and land.

It was a surreal experience to leave the attorney’s office holding hands with Ben having legally signed a document outlining our wishes.

“Well, what should we do now?” We both said with our eyes as we walked to the parking lot.

Then, I almost whispered to Ben, “What if we change our minds about any of this?”

He said, “Well, we call the attorney and he can amend the document. Then we have to come back and sign it again.

What a strange thing, I thought, as I drove out of the parking lot, and back into my busy day.

A will is a covenant of sorts. It is a legal promise made as an agreement various parties. Similar to a marriage certificate, or a contract securing the purchase of a home, parties agree on the terms and conditions and each party must fulfill their side of the agreement. A covenant like this is binding. It is not an option to uphold. It is not as if anyone can come in and change the terms or not abide by them. But we, as the ones in charge of signing the covenant, can amend it if needed. What if our executor dies before we do? What if the guardians we assigned come down with a life-threatening illness and wouldn’t be able to take care of our children? What then?

In all of these circumstances, the will would be amended.

Marriage is a covenant entered into by two parties. Promises are made. Both parties agree to uphold the promises, under the Law and under God.

The problem is sometimes people fail to make amendments to the marriage covenant.

If you were raised in purity culture, maybe you grew up like me when people got married at 19 or in their early 20s. In some conservative Christian communities, this is still very common. The story goes like this: the young people marry at 19, then as they grow up, one partner travels, grows in their career, has a traumatic event, or simply begins to want differen things out of life. Over the course of 20+ year, they change.

And sometimes one partner begins to think,

How could i have fallen for him? I dont know if I want this marriage anymore.
I am not who I used to be. I don’t like “that” anymore.”

So they leave. Or have an affair. Or get lost in their career. Or suffer in silent bitterness. At times, this “evolution” of a person can leave devastation behind them.

Not because they are bad people.

Or horrible Chrisitans.

Not because they missed finding their “soul mate” (eye-roll here).

Simply because they failed to amend the covenant they entered so many years ago.

Covenants are a big deal in the Bible. God makes covenants with God’s people throughout the Bible. God made a covenant with Abram, Noah, Moses, and David, and the new covenant was made in Jesus. Read that very last part again.

The covenant that God makes with humans through Jesus is the new covenant.

Even God amends covenants. Why? Because the people grow, and change. Because society evolves, culture shifts, and it seems as though God shifts with it. (Side note: I am preaching on Jonah right now. Check out how God changes God’s mind in the story. Jonah 3:10) Most Recent Jonah Sermon

Why then, when it comes to our marriage, do we resist, ignore, or not know that we are allowed to amend the covenant?

There is a couple in my church who got married at 21, had babies, succeeded in their careers, and ended up in my office seeking pastoral counsel because they were on the brink of divorce after 20 years of marriage.

I began the session by saying, “Why don’t you start by telling me what has led you to this meeting?”

Ok, the wife hesitantly began.

We used to be so close. When we went through my dad’s death, my husband was there for me in a way that no one else was. He listened gently to me, held me when I cried. He even showed up at my work one day in the initial grieving stages to sit with my during lunch because he knew that the lunch hour was really hard for me. He was just so supportive and it caused our relationship to grow so deep.

Lately, life has gotten so busy with the kids. I never see him. He comes home late and we are all already asleep. We went through a failed adoption a few years ago and he wasn’t there for me. He didn’t show up the way he did before. Now we are different, distant and I don’t want to fight with him anymore.

The husband and wife went on for another half hour telling me what was making their marriage “not work.” The majority of what they shared had to do with “how things used to be.”

(Let’s be honest, do we really want to go back to the way “things used to be?” This is us in 2014. I am not desperate to go back there. Do we really need the white tank top under the dress?;)

By the end of our session, I asked them to imagine what marriage they wanted in the future. They looked at me like I was crazy. I said, imagine that your old marriage died and you have a chance to create a brand new marriage. What would you think? What would you do differently? What would you say to each other?

As we worked together over the next few months, we “re-negotiated” the terms of their marriage covenant together. Based on their goals, needs, personalities, and evolving desires, we made amendments. It’s not been perfect or easy. But they are committed to staying with it. With “how it used to be” off the table, it allows them to change and adapt while they reaffirm their commitment to each other.

Fidelity to a marriage covenant doesn’t mean staying stuck and miserable in a marriage that is not working. Fidelity in marriage means staying committed to each other through every change, every season, and every amendment.

What amendments is it time for you to make?