How Evangelicalism Breeds Co-Dependency
Part 2 of 2
I sat across my office coffee table from a couple who came seeking pastoral counseling. They had been married for 20 years. They had kids very young and were on the verge of being “empty nesters.” They shared their fears with me about this new season of life and marriage like this: “We are so afraid that we will have nothing to do and nothing to talk about once our youngest daughter moves out next year. We know we need help but don’t even know where to start, Pastor Kelly.” As they talked and shared and asked questions, I discovered that there was no sexual intimacy within the marriage. They had not had intercourse for years at this point. So I asked them, “Do you want sexual intimacy to be a part of the new season of marriage you are walking into?” They both agreed, “Yes!” I gently asked, “Can you help me understand why you have not sought help before?”
The husband explained that he did not want his wife to feel pressure. The wife explained that she did not want her husband to feel bad or inadequate. As I listened to this couple, I realized something. At times, the prioritization of someone else’s (projected) needs at the expense of our own needs is codependency cloaked in spirituality. This couple was trying to live by the scriptural command to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” and to “die to yourself, and yet, they were both left unhappy, sexually dissatisfied, and disconnected from each other. Is this what God has in mind for Christian marriage? I don’t think so. God designed us for intimate relationships.
Let’s pause here and define what I mean by sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is an experience of mutual warmth and connection due to the sexual expression and sexual experiences in a partnership. Intimacy is the experience you have when you feel that someone really “sees” you and “knows” you.
This is God’s desire for sex in marriage.
Codependency keeps us out of the life God created us for. In the example above, each partner was projecting what he/she thought the other needed without asking. They had written a “story” without checking the facts. Each partner had set out to meet that projected need and, in doing so, had shut down communication. The husband resolved to “protect” his wife because surely she would feel pressure if he brought up how sexually dissatisfied he was in his marriage. The wife resolved to protect her husband because surely he would feel inadequate if she brought up how lonely she is and how undesirable she feels. Neither partner asked the other what they needed. Neither partner shared what they needed. The result was decades of a sexless marriage and no sexual intimacy.
Evangelicalism, and purity culture specifically, teach that Christians should die to themselves (this is an especially poignant message to women) and that the way to do that is to have no needs. Or at least, we learn to not share what those needs are. Women, especially, are taught that sex is for the man. For many women who grew up in purity culture, it is a foreign activity to discover what their sexual preferences are. Women are not taught to communicate what we like or need for fear of rejection, or coming across too strong, or even “slutty.” This is plain ole patriarchy, dear ones.
This “die to self” framework can breed codependency because instead of being honest about what we need, we build marriages around meeting the projected or unspoken needs of our partner. This isn’t working for us. This isn’t leading to sexual intimacy. This isn’t leading to thriving marriages. This isn’t leading to lasting marriages.
If you struggle with this, here is one thing you can do today to begin untangling your codependent patterns.
Ask yourself, and answer, What do I need to be sexually satisfied in this marriage? What do I want to be sexually satisfied in this marriage?
If your partner is willing, answer these two questions separately and then come together and discuss.
“Dying to yourself” to follow Jesus is a must. We die to our selfishness, we die to the evil desires within us. Sexual intimacy within your marriage is not selfish. It’s not an evil desire. It’s a desire God has placed within you. As we look within, and listen to ourselves and our partners, we may find that our marriages can thrive in ways that we could not have even imagined before.
Codependency masked as spirituality. Couples not thriving because they’re trying to love each other by dying to self in ways that don’t bring life. This is a great read and well put, Kelly!
Well said, Kelly.
There is, I suspect, much disfunction and unhealth in conservative faith communities due to fear of the unknown, and, a lack of communication, authenticity, and a willingness to be vulnerable. You do good work.